Jokes About Marriage That are Perfect for a Wedding. Speaking at a Wedding? Try Opening With These Jokes About Marriage! Winning Numbers. Q: Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger?

The Sheepman was touted as a comedy by some of MGM's publicity people. It really isn't, but this western does have its lighthearted moments. Glenn Ford stars as a. A stranger in a Western cattle-town behaves with remarkable self-assurance, establishing himself as a man to be reckoned with. The reason appears with his stock: a.

A: He’s trying to figure out the combination. One and Only. During a heartfelt chat with her friend about relationships, my wife sighed and said, “You know, if something happened to Lloyd, I don’t think I could ever marry again.”Her friend nodded sympathetically. I know what you mean,” she said. Once is enough.”In Training. I identify with football players because I know what it’s like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel- encrusted ring. Love and Learning.

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Overheard at my garden- club meeting: “I never knew what compost was until I met my husband.”For the Mrs? Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half- mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls.“Your wife must like rolls,” he said.“How do you know these are for my wife?” I asked.“Because your mother wouldn’t send you out in weather like this.”The Right Diagnosis. A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”The man nods. Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”What’s That Smell? For a romantic touch, I washed our sheets with lavender- scented detergent.

When my husband got into bed, he sniffed. What’s this?” he asked.“Guess,” I said coyly.“I have no idea,” he said. It smells like the stuff you use to line the hamster’s cage.”Years of Romance. Shortly before our 2.

A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee. As I’d hoped, I got a reaction from my husband. When he saw me, he shouted, “Are those potato chips?”Sailing vs. Shopping. After we had lunch with another couple, the women went shopping, and the men opted to go sailing. Bad decision—a storm blew in while we men were out on the water.

Making matters worse, the tide had gone out, grounding the boat. We had to climb overboard and shove it back into deep water. As my friend stood there—ankles deep in muck, muscles straining against the weight of the boat, and rain pelting his face—he grinned broadly and with unmistakable sincerity said, “Sure beats shopping!”True Love. It may have been the most romantic statement ever uttered in our courthouse. In between hearings, a wedding was performed. As the newlyweds left the courtroom, the bride nestled up to the groom and cooed, “Isn’t it nice to be here when we’re not being convicted of something?”Usual Suspicions. After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.“You’re running around with another woman— admit it!” she demanded.“What other woman?” Adam shot back.

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1. Mickey Shaughnessy, Actor: From Here to Eternity. Mickey Shaugnessy, the Irish-American character actor best known for his portrayal of Elvis Presley's musical mentor.
2. Speaking at a Wedding? Try Opening With These Jokes About Marriage! Winning Numbers. Q: Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger? A: He’s trying to.

You’re it!”That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest.“What are you doing?”“Counting your ribs.”Reporting for Duty. A soldier in my National Guard platoon became concerned when the Army insisted that he sign up for direct deposit.“It’s not going to work for me,” he said, panicked.“Why not?” I asked.“Because I use my Guard pay for spending money.”“So?”“For the past ten years, I’ve been telling my wife that I serve for free!”The Birthday Present. On his birthday, my husband was stuck driving our six rambunctious children around. As usual, they were yelling, punching, and annoying one another.

Joel finally had had enough.“Kids,” he said over the din, “if you would behave and be kind to each other, that would be a very nice birthday present for me.”Our six- year- old shot back: “Too late, I already got you another present.”Hearing Loss. I’d noticed that my 6. I mentioned it to my mother.“Things haven’t changed that much,” she said.

Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Watch In A Spiral State Online Free HD. Now, he can’t.”Right Answer. Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye. The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you!”He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. Joe,” he says to his son, “what happened last night?”“You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”“So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”“Oh, that.

Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’”Minor Procedure. As I performed a simple medical procedure on my patient, I warned her, “After this, you can’t have sex for at least three days.”“Did you hear that?” she asked her husband. No sex for three days.”“I heard,” he said.

But she was speaking to you.”Taking Turns. Scene: My checkout line at the supermarket. Me: Paper or plastic? Watch The Only Good Indian Mediafire on this page. Customer: I’d like double- bagged paper, and I’d like you to make each bag as heavy as possible. Me: Okay. Customer: In case you’re wondering, I had a fight with my wife, and it’s my turn to pick up the groceries. Me: Uh- huh. Customer: It’s also her turn to unload the car. A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor…A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.“I have an interesting case here,” he says.

A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”Rose Mattix, Decatur, Illinois. Bonnie Mc. Farlane On The Key To A Good Marriage.

I once gave my husband the 
silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”Bonnie Mc. Farlane, 
from You’re Better Than Me. A Real Gut- Buster. A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.“Sure, it does,” he said. It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”Modelled On Confusion.

The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for 
our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modelled?”My cheeks instantly turned red. No, I haven’t,” I said.

But I always thought …”The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”Joanne Noffke, Oak Forest, Illinois. Wearing Husband Goggles.

The party’s host paid me a great compliment. An Unfinished Life Online Putlocker. You are a good- looking woman,” he said.

Honest—I’ve had only one beer.”My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected, “Imagine how great she’ll look after two.”Rosemary Tomy, Tucson, Arizona. Why You Should Make Love Once A Year.

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant.

Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands.

The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”The man yells, “Today’s the day!”When Siri Slips.

After i- messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.”Here’s what Siri sent: “You need 
to get back to work now; you have 
a has- been to support.”John Brown, Jenks, Oklahoma. Groucho Marx on Make Outs. Whoever named 
it necking is a poor judge of anatomy. Groucho Marx. Misreading the Signals. My fiancé and I went to a counsellor to work on our communication issues. Using herself as an example, the counsellor crossed her legs and her arms and exhaled loudly. I was about to say she was showing signs of frustration, but my fiancé beat me to it, yelling, “I’ve got it!